Happy Days

Children of the Stones (Peter Graham Scott, 1977)

Nostalgia can often blur the fine line between the objective past and our hyper-realistic recollections. Therefore, it's a mixed blessing your host has no memory of Peter Graham Scott's cult children's series, Children of the Stones (1977) and discovering it only recently. Gutted I missed out on it all those decades ago, but enchanted with its discovery so many years later. The series is an absolute gem.

Co-created by writers Jeremy Burnham and Trevor Ray, Children of the Stones is a fantasy drama which weaves ancient ley stones, celestial bodies, and time loops into a paranormal serial. The end result is a hybrid of The Wicker Man (1973) and Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956) made for kids.

Comprising of seven twenty-five minute episodes, Peter Graham Scott's serial treats its target youth audience like they were members of Mensa. A complex plot dealing with a perpetual time rift and pagan history can be difficult to mentally process at times, even for adults. Imagine what it must have been like for the kids who watched the series back then; it must have been an absolute head scratcher. Add the folk horror tone, accompanied by an eerie, choral theme, and you have some nightmarish teatime television. Refreshing, in all honesty.

Set in the fictional village of Milbury in England, Children of the Stones introduces a father and son departing from the modern day rat race and settling in the idyllic village. Gareth Thomas (better known as Roj Blake in Terry Nation's science-fiction series Blake's 7) is Adam Brake, an astrophysicist investigating the stone circle surrounding the village. His teenage son, Matthew (Peter Demin), is a dab hand in assisting his father's work and smart enough to be able to use the various complex scientific equipment of his dad's. Once arriving in Milbury, Matthew appears to have developed the power of psychometry; the extra sensory perception of able to read an objects history via physical contact. This makes him a "formidable" player to the series' antagonist.

Also recently settled in the quaint village is single mother Margaret (Veronica Strong), the curator at the local museum, devoted to the history and legends of Milbury's ancient past. Her daughter, Sandra (Katherine Levy), is a classmate of Matthew's.

Matthew's admission to the local school is where the Invasion of the Body Snatchers comparisons occur; the majority of the students are quiet, docile and mathematical geniuses; able to solve complex quadratic equations. Not exactly regular teens. Adults also display abnormal behaviour, too. Milbury's residents bizarrely greet one another with the phrase "Happy Day!" and are prone to holding hands in the middle of the night, chanting to the heavens above; worst of all, some of them take part in Morris dancing. One notable exception is the local poacher Dai (Freddie Joanes), an independent, gibbering hermit, who comes across as Mibury's very own Ben Gunn.

Every bucolic retreat requires its very own Lord Summerisle; enter Hendrick (Iain Cuthbertson), the village elder. Cuttbertson is really having a ball with his performance as the show's villain, as there's constant sinister smile upon his face. Hendrick's grand residence just so happens to be where the ley lines intersect. His home has a dedicated dining area, containing an ancient stone table and chairs (hardly Furniture Village), where his guests are tricked into being exposed to a celestial light from above that brainwashes them. Thankfully, they're not sitting long enough on those cold stone slabs to get piles.

Children of the Stones gets the Dada Debaser thumbs up for managing to outdo what so many terrible folk horror themed films get wrong today; be entertaining! Dead ringer for Heather Trott off EastEnders, Ben Wheatley might be influenced from it, but it's hard to believe he learnt anything with his "elevated horror" shite In the Earth (2021), though.

Peter Graham Scott also helmed a children's series that I'm slightly more familiar with; Into the Labyrinth (1981-1982). A trio of children are sent on a series of time travelling adventures at the behest of a sorcerer called Rothgo (Ron Moody) to retrieve a magical item, the Nidius. This is all set beneath spooky underground caverns and a labyrinth which transports the group through various time periods. Elements such as England and Wales' pagan history and cosmic energy really do run rampant in both of Graham Scott's shows, which was, and still is, so charmingly fascinating.

So Tonight We Gonna Party Like it's Space: 1999

Trying to catch that one episode of Space: 1999 (1975-1977) with Joan Collins playing an exotic space babe is nigh on impossible. Shout! have the vintage sci-fi series currently streaming in HD on its YouTube channel, but no option to watch any episodes individually. Hence, it's great news for no-life nerds, but a pain in the arse for everyone else.

Not only did the the first season, known as Year One, have the likes of Joan Collins, Ian McShane and Christopher Lee in it, but it was also blessed with Barry Gray's bonkers theme. A weird mash-up of ballroom tango music and uptempo disco funk; so funky, it wouldn't have been surprising if a b-boy crew rolled out the lino and performed windmills.

Space: 1999 (Year 1 Opening Titles)

Gerry and Sylvia Anderson, 1975-1977

Can't say the same for Derek Wadsworth's underwhelming theme for the second season (Year Two) and whatever mind altering drugs Ennio Morricone might have taken when he composed the theme for the Italian version for the show.

The Wish List: Gogglebox Edition

Not done one of these wish lists in a long while and this is a good opportunity to shine some light on  a few vintage television shows I've been meaning to watch. Trouble is, they're either not available to stream or they're hard to cop on blu-ray. It would take forever noting every television series that I consider worthy of some blu-ray love, but the ones listed below always seem to be recurring in my mind the most.

Blake's 7 (Various, 1978 - 1981)

Considering how Terry Nation, the writer for some of the most revered episodes from the longest ever sci-fi series Doctor Who (1963 - 2024), is so universally praised by fans, it's a huge shame that his own BBC creation, Blake's 7 (1978 - 1981), isn't even available on iPlayer. Other than the Liberator spaceship which looks like it might have been kitbashed with a microphone, and the few clips online of Paul Darrow's anti-hero swagger as Kerr Avon, I can barely remember much of the series other than the very last notes of its theme reminding me a little of Boogie Down Productions' song Illegal Business. The downbeat last episode is still to this very day a controversial subject matter amongst its fans, but that only proves how seriously passionate they still are for a show which ended over forty years ago.

EDIT: Had no idea Terry Nation wrote the story for one of my favourite Hitchcockian thrillers And Soon the Darkness (1970) until making this post.

The Mad Death (Robert Young, 1983)

A rabies outbreak ocurring in the UK appeared to be a real threat back in the day. It was signicant enough for the government to issue warnings over it, including terrifying public information films throughout the seventies and eighties. The 1994 opening of the Channel Tunnel must have been pure fear for some viewers familiar with the BBC mini-series The Mad Death (1983) which aired a decade earlier. Based on a book by Nigel Slater (yes, the poncey food journo and presenter), the TV adaptation was a disturbing drama focused on a potential outbreak. Much like the classic made for television, nuclear holocaust film, Threads (1984), it did not hold back in shocking viewers. If the chilling opening titles weren't enough to leave you in a state of unease, then keep watching for scenes of a child being mauled by rabid dogs, foaming patients dying in their hospital beds, and the brutal culling of man's best friend. For a nation of pet lovers this was considerably shocking for prime time TV.

Hammer House of Mystery and Suspense (Various, 1984)

Kind of funny how so many Hammer fans have a fond memory for its first television outing Hammer House of Horror (1980), but another series repping the moniker, known as Hammer House of Mystery and Suspense (1984) is so largely obscure. That's no fault of their own as its ridiculously hard to find these days without shelling out serious money for an old tobacco tainted DVD collectionm on eBay. "In Possession" is the only episode I remember with some clarity as it contains one of the best twist endings I had ever witnessed in any medium (right up there with Charlton Heston finding the Statue of Liberty, in my opinion). It's too bad Network Releasing went under as this would have been the perfect accompaniment to their fine blu-ray release of Hammer House of Horror.

Dead Set (Yann Demange, 2008)

Dead Set was the brainchild of cultural satirist and Black Mirror creator, Charlie Brooker. Ingeniously captiialising on the popularity of the reality series Big Brother, the mini-series managed to buck the oversaturated landscape of the zombie renaissance by offering some hilarious British social commentary and some of the goriest scenes for a television series at the time. The irony of what's probably the last living humans on the planet are Big Brother housemates was part of its appeal. Dead Set also featured Davina McCall, a former presenter of Big Brother, being one of my fave zombies on screen. It's criminal how this was only ever released on DVD in its home country, but available on blu-ray in both Germany and Spain. Craving this like brains.

Carry on in All Seriousness

British film producer Peter Rogers might be synonymous with the legendary Carry on... films, but on rare occasions he broke from the saucy postcard humour for more serious and edgier productions. From 1971 - 1972, Rogers was the executive producer on four films which ranged from thrillers, sci-fi romance and kitchen sink drama. Curiousities for anyone with a passing interest in British film from this particular era, but for the more observant, they're oddly appealing for incorporating various recognisable visual and audio elements featured in the Carry on... comedies.

Bless the rippers who uploaded these hard to find rarities to YouTube. These films are even more invaluable now since Network Releasing, the slept-on film distributor who originally released them, went under this year. 

Decided to rank them from best to worst:

Revenge (Sidney Hayers, 1971)

When a suspected child killer is released on the same day as pub landlord Jim Radford's (James Booth) daughter's funeral, the entitre family is outraged by it. The Radford's along with another victim's father decide to take justice into their own hands on the pathetically vile Seely (Kenneth Griffith) by abducting him and becoming his executioners.

What makes this a compelling watch is not only the understandable empathy the viewer would feel for Jim Radford and his family, but also the mental and emotional toll the revenge takes on them. Bizarrely, there's some repressed sexual attraction between Jim's wife, Carol (Joan Collins) and her stepson. Ultimately, this a film which charts the demise of what was already a dysfunctional family heading into ruin. 

The cast are exceptionally good, particularly Booth, Collins and Griffith, with some genuine moments of tension whenever Griffith's character might be discovered in the cellar. One stand out part in the film is the disturbingly creepy scene of Seely's mother's bedroom. There's also the recurring question whether their abductee is guilty or not. The seeds of doubt eventually route their way into Jim's conscious making revenge all the more difficult. 

Spartan says: Revenge features one of my dream pubs, the Whippet Inn from Carry on Abroad (1972), although it has the less comical name The Crown in this film. Sadly, it lacks the same cozy atmosphere created by Vic and Cora Flange taking over the boozer. In my head cannon, Revenge might serve as a possible prequel to Carry on Abroad, where after the violent escapades, it leads to a new name for the pub, similar to how Crystal Lake became Forest Green in Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986).

All Coppers Are... (Sidney Hayers, 1972)

What potentially kicks off as a British crime thriller about a young bobby on the beat winds up as a kitchen sink drama focusing on a lovers triangle. The players in this ménage à trois' include: Joe, a newly wed police officer (Martin Potter); Barry (Nicky Henson), a jack the lad with hopes to make it in the big league by pulling off an armed robbery and Sue, cynical working class girl, played by Ben Fogle's mum (Julia Foster).

All Coppers Are... dabbles in some social commentary concerning working class living and attitutes towards the police.

The characters are rather likeable despite some of their actions. It goes along away in not adhering to two dimensional profiles and puts them all under a morally grey spotlight. That goes a long way, particularly when Joe is an adulterous man abandoning his wife at a wedding reception to score with Sue. This focus on character complexities seems to come at the cost of the rest of the subplots in the film, however. As a result, Barry's big robbery and the violent riot between the Old Bill and hairy hippy protestors is crudely wedged into the very last leg of the film.

A flawed, but decent drama. It's way more Up the Junction (1968) than the hard boiled British crime thrillers from that era like Get Carter (1971).

Spartan says: Cult British actor, Ian Hendry has a small role as a gangster with a surreal Cockney accent in the film. The scene where he menacingly muches on a packet of Golden Wonder crisps in a bowling alley is hilarious and my favourite part in the film. All Coppers Are... also uses some of Carry on... composer, Eric Rogers' music. If you're familiar with Eric Rogers works, then listen out for Mike's theme from the film adapatation of Bless this House (1971) and Sid James' criminal gang theme from Carry on Matron (1972).

Quest for Love (Ralph Thomas, 1971)

Adapted from sci-fi writer John Wyndham's story Random Quest, Quest for Love (1971) is a tale of physicist Colin Trafford (Tom Bell) being transported to an alternate Earth after a freak lab accident. This other world is very much like our own, only major historical twentieth century events such as World War II and the assassination of John F. Kennedy never happened. Trafford discovers he's a highly successful and womanising author in this alternate reality. He also falls for his alternate self's wife, the unloved and neglected Ottilee Harsham Trafford (Joan Collins). 

It's a real shame the alternate reality premise isn't totally explored, and rather the film dedicates its focus on the romance plotline. The science fiction part is the most fascinating. Eventually, Ottilee begins to believe old Trafford isn't new Trafford and falls in love with him. The clincher in this loved up storyline is the romance is doomed as Ottillee suffers from an inoperable heart condition. What a stroke of luck for old Trafford when he ends up back in his world again, for if Ottillee exists in an alternate reality, then she might exist in his own. A reality that's far more progressed due to technological advancements discovered during WWII and the space race. She can be saved. Trafford goes on a rampage searching for Ottilee which has him running around Heathrow airport like a complete loon trying to find her. Comes across as obsessive stalking than romance, in my opinion.

The really tragedy is the audience's knowledge that new Trafford is going to break Ottillee's heart again and she won't survive. She's doomed to an off-screen death.

Bell and Collins have great chemistry together and make this love story with a sci-fi twist the kind of tolerable watch if you ever caught it airing on TV. It's all very effervescent, but it's at least watchable for what's essentially a tear jerker turned happy ending (ooh err, missus!).

 

Perhaps the biggest drawback is Eric Rogers on soundtrack duty again. His music compliments the bawdy humour of the Carry on movies with sheer perfection, but on Quest for Love, it's a wrong fit. It doesn't work at all.

Spartan says: Beggars can't be choosers. I would rather watch this version of Quest for Love than any eventual Hollywood remake where an annoying Owen Wilson falls head over heels with an insufferable Jennifer Lopez, and you're praying they both die, along with every other alternate incarnation of them that might exist in space and time to maintain cosmic dimensional karma.

 

Assault (Sidney Hayers, 1971)

A legit British giallo featuring Suzy Kendall, a bonafide queen of giallo cinema. How could it go wrong? Spectacularly! 

School girls are being targeted by a rapist killer that preys on them whenever they trek through the nearby woods going home. Art teacher, Julie West (Suzy Kendall) fleetingly witnesses the killer, and with the aid of the police and the press, uses herself as bait in catching the foul fiend. 

A supporting cast which includes Frank Finlay as the detective chief super intendant, an over the top Freddie Jones as the unscrupulous reporter, a very young Leslie Anne Down, and the actor who played the Shadmock from The Monster Club (1981) can't really save this highly problematic and shambolic thriller. 

 

The film spends way too much time on overly touchy doctors and nonce vibe blokes posing as suspects for the film's sick antagonist. Red herrings or not they ought to be serving time, regardless. Assault also commits the cardinal sin of introducing a major player very late into the game, the Doctor's nemesis, an unrecognisable Anthony Ainley, AKA the Master - sans the trademark evil goatee.

Eric Rogers is on soundtrack duty here again and any potential moments of dread and suspense (there really aren't many) are squandered by his bombastic and inappropriately comical music. It really does sound like a Carry on film rather than a giallo. Would have been better off being treated as an actual comedy spoofing the giallo - Carry on Solange!

 

Admitedly, there's plenty of unintentional comedy brought about by its misjudged tone to its dark subject matter. The film’s only real appeal is to view it as the train wreck that it is, or the for desperate fans craving another giallo fix,. Historially, Assault is another title charting the popularity of psychosexual killer themed films from this era, but there are far better films out there in this vein.

 

Spartan says: Assault features the same girls school that Barbara Windsor and her friends were students of in Carry on Camping (1969). This somewhat taints the classic comedy since Sid James and Bernard Bresslaw now look like a pair of predatory nonces now. Gutted.

 

 

Overall, Revenge was the best film produced by Peter Rogers during his 1971 - 1972 stint with serious cinema. It's also the one film in the bunch I wouldn't have minded coppin' on physical media. Credit should also go out to its director Sidney Hayers, and its composer Eric Rogers, for not repeating all of Assault's failures in the space of a just a few months.

All the films have working YouTube links (at the time of posting) in their respective titles.

Network Off Air

Kim Newman is probably crying on his penny-farthing right about now. Seems like the rumour regarding Network going under has been confirmed. Both its website and its social media accounts ceased operating this month.

Network was both an underrated and invaluable physical media distributor, specialising in vintage British cinema and classic TV related releases. Occasionally, the company would dabble in content outside of Britain, like the obscure American horror oddity, Miss Leslie's Dolls (1972). 

The label was the intersecting portion in a Venn diagram for nostalgia heads and film anoraks. The only thing it lacked was the pretence of prestige like some of its peers. That would probably explain why Network is no longer in business today, sadly.

With its absence in the niche world of boutique blu-rays, any hope I had for a bunch of classic sitcoms in high definition are less likely now. Also, my patience for a bunch of Gerry and Sylvia Anderson shows going on deep sale completely backfired, and it's now looking likely scalpers will scoop the lot and flogging them on eBay for extortionate prices.

Stingray: The Complete Series (Deluxe Edition Trailer)

Gerry and Sylvia Anderson, 1964 - 1965