So Tonight We Gonna Party Like it's Space: 1999

Trying to catch that one episode of Space: 1999 (1975-1977) with Joan Collins playing an exotic space babe is nigh on impossible. Shout! have the vintage sci-fi series currently streaming in HD on its YouTube channel, but no option to watch any episodes individually. Hence, it's great news for no-life nerds, but a pain in the arse for everyone else.

Not only did the the first season, known as Year One, have the likes of Joan Collins, Ian McShane and Christopher Lee in it, but it was also blessed with Barry Gray's bonkers theme. A weird mash-up of ballroom tango music and uptempo disco funk; so funky, it wouldn't have been surprising if a b-boy crew rolled out the lino and performed windmills.

Space: 1999 (Year 1 Opening Titles)

Gerry and Sylvia Anderson, 1975-1977

Can't say the same for Derek Wadsworth's underwhelming theme for the second season (Year Two) and whatever mind altering drugs Ennio Morricone might have taken when he composed the theme for the Italian version for the show.

Joan to the World

Amicus Productions' adaptations of EC Comics' bone chilling strories are the stuff of legend for a generation of Brits weened on seventies horror. They are the gold standard for horror film anthologies.

Freddie Francis's Tales from the Crypt (1972) is amongst the most celebrated of the lot; five ghoulish tales blessed with an amazing wraparound featuring Sir Ralph Richardson as the hooded Crypt Keeper.

The first of these stories is ...And All Through the House adapted from The Vault of Horror #35 (February–March 1954) - a festive murder tale with a chilling twist starring the iconic screen siren Joan Collins. The stone cold fox turns stone cold killer after she cracks open her husband's noggin with a poker on Christmas Eve.

Other than Dame Joan Collins looking like an absolute dame in this macabre tale, witnessing her tiptoeing between murderous black widow and parental mother, makes this an alluring watching experience. While dealing with her husband's body, she has to constantly quell her restless daughter's excitement for Santa Claus – serious multi-tasking.

Making matters worse, a newsflash on the radio announces a dangerous psychopath has escaped from the local funny farm and is thought to be in the area dressed as Santa Claus. With little surprise, the said maniac is soon knocking on Joan's door and peering through her windows searching for a way to get in:

"We interrupt this programme for a special announcement: A man described as a homicidal maniac has escaped from the hospital for the criminally insane. He is 6 foot 3 inches tall,  210 pounds, dark eyes, bald, and may be wearing a Santa Claus costume taken from a shop in Burley. All residents of the county are warned to be on the look out for this man, and to phone the police if they see him. We now continue our programme of carols for Christmas Eve."

Joan can't exactly call the police for help after just murdering her other half, therefore, she's frantically locking all the doors and windows to keep the maniac out. Unfortunately for her, Carol (how festively appropriate), her daughter, has let the deranged killer in the house thinking it's Santa Claus. "He's here, mummy! I let him in, it's Santa." The grubby and insane maniac dressed as Santa Claus creepily makes his way to our Joan and strangles her.

There are some minor differences between this version of the story and the original EC Comics publication. Francis's adaptation is the better version, in my opinion. That's largely because it contains less dialogue and feels more streamlined. Actions speak louder than words and so much is told through Joan's performance, along with the amazing Christmas atmosphere of the set design and the carols sung on the radio. It's perhaps my favourite killer Santa story captured on film.

Robert Zemeckis helmed a 1989 version of ...And All Through the House for the Tales from the Crypt (1989 - 1996) series, with his wife, Mary Ellen Trainor, playing the murderous wife. Larry Drake (he really should have been a massive horror icon, in my opinion) plays the killer Santa in what's arguably one of the best looking make-up jobs for a twisted take on a beloved character. As fine as it is, I still prefer the 1972 version over it. It's far too ingrained within me after all these years: the breezy twelve minutes run time; the garishly seventies decor; the bright red nail polish that's supposed to be blood; and Joan Collins's stellar performance make it the definitive adaptation for me. A classic Yuletide tale.

Merry Christmas!