You're On His List, Not What You Wished

Black Christmas (Bob Clark, 1974)

Other than Steptoe And Son Ride Again (1973), the amount of shite on TV during the festive season had me going, "Bah, humbug!", so I figured it was time for me to hit the shelves and watch something decent once again. Admittedly, this humble blogger has been avoiding most content on TV since it all went Orwellian during the eighties. What classic yuletide movie would suffice for someone with  a delicate palate such as myself? Obviously, it had to be the original Black Christmas (1974) The go-to movie for any insufferable slasher aficionado with the eternal urge to bore me to death that it predates John Carpenter's Halloween (1978) by a number of years, and thus it's the first modern slasher (they're dead wrong, though). Here's a Christmas story that must be told by Bob Clark, the very man who gave us surefire classics such as Murder By Decree (1979), Porky's (1981) and Karate Dog (2006).

Figured I would list all the things I love about this superb, holiday-themed slasher from the land that gave us Leslie Nielsen, David Cronenberg and Maestro Fresh Wes.

Pi Kappa Sigma

Love how this grand looking sorority house is such an interior decorator's nightmare, unless of course you're Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen. To add to the seventies era of vomit coloured walls and carpenting, we have the complimentary house mother Mrs. Mac - an outrageous alcoholic with enough hidden booze in the crib to open a speakeasy during lockdown.

It's A Giallo; It's A Slasher 

Don't honestly care what box people put it in, but it certainly has elements of both genres. Stylistically speaking, you can definitely see similarities with the likes of Dario Argento's The Bird With The Crystal Plumage (1970). The scenes of the calls being traced were also reminscent of the archaic computer from The Cat O' Nine Tails (1971). The film effectively toys with shadows and depth of field, along with some fancy Mario Bava style colour palette choices. There's the whole killer's point of view we're given, which is another reason as to why the film is compared to Carpenter's seminal movie. In terms of substance, Clark delivers an obvious red herring (or is he?) in the form of Jess' unstable boyfriend, Peter the aspiring concert pianist with a penchent for smashing up musical instruments.

Billy, AKA The Moaner

Outside of a few hand shots and a crazed looking brown eye (pause!), we hardly see much of a proper reveal of our resident psycho. Proof that less is more. His insanely, terrifying obscene phone calls are like a nightmarish ventriloquist act that leave me wondering as to how his different voices and sound effects are layered over one another, without the aid of audio recording equipment?

 

Barb 

This sassy sorority sister was hot as hell with her hair up in a bun and a kinky choker that accentuated her slender neck. Barb clearly subscribes to the ubiquitous trope of birds wearing a bloke's shirt - giving off the morning after look that I love. A cigarette in one hand and a glass of scotch in the other completes the liberated lack of all innocence ensemble. It's all backed up with some memorable smart-mouthed sarcasm and a killer prank she plays on Sgt. Nash. Wouldn't surprise me if Margot Kidder landed the role of Superman's signifcant other based on her portrayal of Barb alone.

Sergent Nash 

Every worthwhile slasher has a secondary villain at odds with the concept of human survival; completely devoid of any common sense. They're usually the preppie mean bitch or the jock quarterback, who would have no issues with putting anyone, including those in their immediate social circle, in serious jeopardy to save their skin. Sgt. Nash is mostly planted behind the counter of a police precinct and his dumb arse can't process the severity of the situation for the girls of Pi Kappa Sigma. This is all kicking off while a child is missing and found dead during the film's time frame. Dumb as he is, Nash is blessed with one of the most memorable lines from any slasher film, "Jess, the caller is in the house. The calls are coming from the house!"  

The finale is perhaps the biggest grievance I have with the film. The fact that Jess, the sole survivor of this merry bloodbath is left alone (save for a lone police officer outside) by emergency services in the murder house where her friends died in is huge cause for disbelief. You would think that anyone suffering from the ordeal she went through would be whisked off to a hospital instead of spending the rest of the night at a serious crime scene. Further to that, is the fact that the sorority house was swarming with cops, and in all that time they didn't search the attic and find the two corpses and Billy hiding in there. The cops, including the gawd John Saxon failed Jess - #defundthepolice. Huge logical flaw right there. Still enjoy it, regardless.