Letterboxd Blasphemies: Part 2

Welcome to another instalment of awful reviews on Letterboxd. I use the word "reviews" loosely, as they commonly read like the ramblings of first world slacktivists and narcissists.

I can't even post this Wall-E review as it's too long to screenshot, but it reeks of a freelance journo dredged up from the depths of Twitter/X (or whatever it's called nowadays) writing for The Guardian.

The thought of humanity suddenly being wiped out doesn't sound so bad once you're done doomscrolling on Letterboxd.

Picks of 1984

1984 was the year where the threat of a possible nuclear war first entered my consciousness. On the positive side, it did give us one of the most hilarious post-apocalyptic twist endings ever.

So many fine films from this particular year, but there were also a bunch I fell out of love with as well since then. Therefore, if I'm missing anything notable; I'm either sick of ever watching it again for the hundredth time, or simply haven't seen it.

The 8 Diagram Pole Fighter (Lau Kar-leung)

Amadeus (Miloš Forman)

Beverly Hills Cop (John Landis)

Body Double (Brian De Palma)

Children of the Corn (Fritz Kiersch)

The Company of Wolves (Neil Jordan)

Dreamscape (Joseph Ruben) 

Fear City (Abel Ferrara)

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (Joseph Zito)

Gremlins (Joe Dante)

The Last Starfighter (Nick Castle)

Murder-Rock: Dancing Death (Lucio Fulci)

A Nightmare of Elm Street (Wes Craven) 

Nineteen Eighty-Four (Michael Radford)

Razorback (Russell Mulcahy)

Red Dawn (John Milius)

Repo Man (Alex Cox)

This Is Spinal Tap (Rob Reiner)

Threads (Mick Jackson)

The Terminator (James Cameron) 

Trancers (Charles Band)

Wheels on Meals (Sammo Hung)

Tightrope (Richard Tuggle)

Can't sign off without mentioning a favourite monster design from this year. Gotta lotta love for C.H.U.Ds. Things a lefty wouldn't say today.

Ryder's on the Storm

The Hitcher (Robert Harmon, 1986)

The inability to unironically distinguish between the real world and fantastical liberties in film never gets old. On the other side of the coin, adopting the "Just switch your brain off!" mentality is often a means to ignoring your own honest conclusions and joining the hive mind. Robert Harmon's feature length debut - The Hitcher (1986), manages to steer away from both these approaches. Never does his film even attempt to answer its own implausibilities, but neither is it an insult to one's intelligence. This is crucially noteworthy. As a result, The Hitcher is an almost dreamlike film in an unsettlingly brutal world.

This extends further with The Hitcher not adhering fully to one genre label to categorise it. Flirting with elements that would label it as horror, western, action, and psychological thriller. Simply put: The Hitcher is not an easy film to box in conveniently.

Inspired by The Doors song Riders on the Storm, screenwriter Eric Red turned the lyrics pertaining to a serial killing hitch hiker into a smart and resourceful, supernatural like character as the film's monstrous antagonist. The attraction to this particular individual is he desires to be stopped; possibly the one shred of humanity left inside him. Therefore, he's tasked himself with appointing and grooming an unwitting apprentice; Jim Halsey (C. Thomas Howell), a naive young man on a long distance drive to California, who made the mistake of offering him a lift to relieve his boredom. "My mother told me never to do this!" says Jim to the rain-soaked reaper in a duster about to get in his car. He should have listened to his mother. 

The Hitcher contains a phenomenal character arc for its protagonist; evolving from a bland do-gooder, to being completely broken and suicidal, to going beyond the rules like his antagonist. By the final act of the film, the predator and his prey are inexplicably linked together and share an inexplicable psychic bond.

John Ryder, the film's almost supernatural like antagonist, is blessed with Rutger Hauer providing what's unquestionably a career defining performance. His cold stare is like death incarnate. A maniacal grin hinting at someone in a completely different plane from us all. Hauer's lines are equally chilling; particularly his exchange between the unlucky Jim early in the film:

Jim Halsey: What do you want?
*John starts laughing*
Jim Halsey: What's so funny?
John Ryder: That's what the other guy said.
Jim Halsey: What other guy?
John Ryder: That guy back there, the one we just passed. The guy who picked me up before you did.
Jim Halsey: That was him in there?
John Ryder: Sure it was. He couldn't have walked very far.
Jim Halsey: Why's that?
John Ryder: Because I cut off his legs... and his arms... and his head... and I'm going to do the same to you.

Ryder's words aren't hollow either. Granted, many of his sadistic kills are done off screen and implied; like the murdering of a poor family who unfortunately picked him up. One of many notably horrific scenes in the film, but never graphically shown. There for us to psychologically play out and fill in the gaps.

Diner waitress Nash (Jennifer Jason Leigh) is the only person Jim initially encounters who appears sympathetic to Jim's plight as a suspected mass murderer. She's obviously unsure whether he is being truthful, but she goes all in once a zealous law official intends to execute Jim whilst being arrested. An endeavour that eventually leads later on to the most memorable scene involving a heavy goods truck and its trailer.

Harmon's film is brutally nihilistic and downbeat in tone, sharing many obvious elements with China Lake (1983); his short film starring the ubiquitous Charles Napier as a sadistic patrol cop on vacation. The tremendous sense of despair and isolation are constantly enforced thanks to its arid setting and remote locations. Even when Jim and Nash find temporary respite in a motel room, Ryder is able to hide in the shadows like a stealth like ninja. Hence, one of the many reasons why the antagonist can be compared to some malevolent supernatural being.

As an avid believer in every creative artist possessing at least one good film, book or album in them, Robert Harmon confirms this theory as his debut feature is a bonafide eighties classic. Thus, there's no point moaning about his other films, largely consisting of a load of TV movies starring Tom Selleck, or helming one of Jean-Claude Van Damme's lesser efforts from the height of his stardom. He shot his load with producing what is arguably one of the best road films ever made. A phenomenal feat for a relative unknown at the time.

At a lean ninety-seven minutes, The Hitcher successfully manages to say heaps in its run time. Astonishingly (compared to today's film making), it conveys various complex nuances with its characters without delving into expository dumps. Clever transitions, such as the sounds of gunshots synced with Ryder tapping on Jim's car window, lead to another nightmare scenario for our protagonist. The icing on the cake is Mark Isham's hauntingly sparse synth score that compliments the film to great effect.

Won't resort to plugging the long awaited Second Sight release of The Hitcher, but I will say that I never realised how good John Seale's cinematography was until seeing it in 4K. A substantial contrast to how I remember it on VHS. It's amazing how striking the locations look, particularly with the desert hills in the background. What's also beneficial, are the intense close up shots, which give a Sergio Leone claustrophobic flair to the film. Perhaps the best shot might be the panning close up of Hauer getting up after being pushed out of Jim's car and freezes to a Dutch angle (no pun intended) of Hauer staring into the distance. Little surprise Seale eventually went on to photograph another classic set in the arid desert, the magnificent action film classic Mad Max: Fury Road (2015). 

Can you believe The Hitcher was hated by the critics? The overrated, even from beyond the grave, Roger Ebert was appalled and described it as being really about "gay sadomasochism", while his partner Gene Siskel was hilariously outraged by a graphic dismemberment that wasn't even in the film. Jokers like them might have contributed to the film being a commercial flop, but much like Brian De Palma's Scarface (1983), The Hitcher found a new lease of life on home video and became a cult classic. Its legacy would result in C. Thomas Howell returning again in The Hitcher II: I've Been Waiting (2003), a film I never even knew existed until only quite recently, while king of overblown and hyperstylised action Michael Bay would produce a 2007 remake with Sean Bean as the titular villain.

To conclude: The Hitcher is an undeniable classic film. One that showcases the late Rutger Hauer's acting talent and presence to great effect. Deliberately enigmatic, whilst not falling into the trappings of pretentiousness. A film that almost veers into the realm of supernatural, and if you're willing to accept this, it makes for a rewarding and highly entertaining slice of eighties cinema.

31

Love seeing the various contributions to the annual 31 Days of Horror meta, but there are two reasons why I can't do the same: Firstly, it's far too time consuming to review a film every day for an entire month. Secondly, I can't be arsed.

As a compromise, I've compiled a diverse selection of Horror films that I've enjoyed and deemed worthy of some shine on this blog. Thirty-one films appreciated by your host:

My Little Eye (Marc Evans, 2002)

Five young people apply to live in an isolated house together for six months whilst their every move is filmed by numerous cameras.

 

Spartan says: Much creepier and far darker than what I expected initially. The film manages to linger on in the mind long after the closing credits. Effectively captures the whole Big Brother zeitgeist which was popular at the time before adding its own spin on things. Sadly, it seems to be only remembered for being a very early role for Bradley Cooper.

Faceless (Jesús Franco, 1988)

When model Barbara Hallen disappears in France, her father's private detective traces her steps to a private plastic surgery clinic run by Dr. Flamand.

 

Spartan says: While no stranger in rehashing Eyes Without a Face (1960) numerous times, Franco's Faceless contains the perfect elements for connoisseurs of eurosleaze horror and the best George Michael song George Michael never sang.

Deadgirl (Marcel Sarmiento, Gadi Harel, 2008)

Two high school boys discover an imprisoned woman in an abandoned mental asylum who cannot die.

 

Spartan says: Interestingly, the low key disdain due to the film's controversial subject matter has manifested into rabid vitriol in a post #MeToo world. That's a shame, as beneath its obvious shock factor is an intriguing drama which sets itself apart from the zombie renaissance boom during the 2000s.

The Prey (Edwin Brown, 1983)

Three couples go on a camping trip in the woods of southern California during the summer, where a deformed man is stalking their camp.

 

Spartan says: Part backwoods slasher; part nature documentary. Every time I revisit this film, I'm half expecting Sir Richard Attenborough to narrate over it. It's hated by many slasher film aficionados, but I enjoy the remote setting, its towering antagonist and shocking ending.

Cold Fish (Sion Sono, 2010)

The lives of a bored suburban couple are changed forever when a seemingly nice old man gives their daughter a job at his fish store, and soon his gruesome hobbies are brought to light.

 

Spartan says: This film will teach you all about dead body disposal, if that's your desire. I enjoy seeing a weak protagonist being toughened up by a psychotic villain a la The Hitcher (1986), and Sono's gruesome effort does not disappoint. Supposedly based on a true story.

The Orchard End Murder (Christian Marnham, 1980)

In 1966, a woman has an enigmatic interaction with a stationmaster and his aide, setting off an intriguing chain of events that unfolds throughout the narrative.

 

Spartan says: A dream like curioisty accurately representating lazy, English summer days. The cricket match scenes feel way more natural than they do in Jerzy Skolimowski's The Shout (1978). Evokes that one off teleplay you would catch on Sunday nights on the BBC after Shoestring (1979).

Excision (Richard Bates Jr, 2012)

A disturbed, delusional high-school student with aspirations of a career in medicine goes to extremes to earn the approval of her controlling mother.

 

Spartan says: If you can get over the fact that a stunning AnnaLynne McCord looks obviously made-up to look ugly, this is a great body horror masquerading as a teen comedy. The supporting cast are particularly great; namely Traci Lords as the domineering mother.

The Curious Dr. Humpp (Emilio Vieyra, Jerald Intrator, 1969)

His sexual impotence turned him into a horrible monster!

 

Spartan says: This Argentinian softcore horror qualifies as one of the most entertaining back-from-the-pub movies discovered in recent years. Investigated other Latin American monster flicks from this era; none of them were remotely as good as this hilarious gem. So much fun to be had - even while sober.

Bloody Muscle Body Builder in Hell (Shinichi Fukazawa, 1995)

Trapped inside a haunted house, a body builder must save himself from a gruesome ghost hell-bent on revenge.

 

Spartan says: This lost splatterfest was only unearthed in 2017. At a trim sixty-two minutes run time, this obvious love letter to Sam Raimi's early work is accurately nicknamed as the Japanese Evil Dead. Highly recommended to any gore fans out there with an appreciation for practical effects.

The City of the Dead (John Llewellyn Moxey, 1960)

A young college student arrives in a sleepy Massachusetts town to research witchcraft; during her stay at an eerie inn, she discovers a startling secret about the town and its inhabitants.

 

Spartan says: Prior to the legendary Amicus Films, Milton Subotsky was producing gems like this largely ignored occult themed horror gem; albeit under its alternate US title - Horror Hotel. A wonderful gothic atmosphere that would have Mario Bava drooling.

Dark Waters (Mariano Baino, 1993)

A girl travels to an island, after the death of her father, to find out why the father funded a monastery on the island.

Spartan says: Not the Todd Haynes film! Perhaps the penultimate Italian horror deserving of classic status (last one is obviously Dellamorte Dellamore (1994), innit?). Sadly, even to this day, not too many folk know about this sterling Lovecraftian chiller. Beautiful looking film and blessed with a fantastic vibe throughout.

The Devil's Rain (Robert Fuest, 1975)

A satanist cult leader is burnt alive by the local church. He vows to come back to hunt down and enslave every descendant of his congregation, by the power of the book of blood contracts, in which they sold their souls to the devil.

Spartan says: All-star cast which includes the prolific Ernest Borgnine as the leader of a Satanic cult. An eerie and nihilistic film with an eye raising production history (celeb Satanist Anton LaVey and the mafia’s involvement). Should be experienced by both horror aficionados and poncey cinephiles.

Starry Eyes (Dennis Widmyer, Kevin Kölsch, 2014)

A hopeful young starlet uncovers the ominous origins of the Hollywood elite and enters into a deadly agreement in exchange for fame and fortune.

Spartan says: One for the conspiracy theorists invested in the sinister side of the entertainment industry. Alex Essoe is excellent playing the troubled lead character. Surprised she never became an A-list actress afterwards. Been thinking about this body horror again recently since seeing The Substance (2024). 

Evil Dead Trap (Toshiharu Ikeda, 1988)

A late night TV presenter receives a snuff tape, in which a woman is brutally killed. She decides to take a crew out to a location indicated in the tape, but only death and despair await them.

Spartan says: Bizarre mash-up of Dario Argento-esque giallo and David Cronenberg's body horror monstrosity. It shouldn't really work, but somehow it manages it. Eighties horror fans ought to get a kick out of it. Still not seen Evil Dead Trap's two other sequels, sadly.

Kiss of the Damned (Xan Cassavetes, 2012)

A beautiful, lonely vampire falls in love with a screenwriter and transforms him into one of the undead, but their budding romance is threatened by her vivacious, troublemaking sister.

 

Spartan says: Perhaps the one positive aspect in the wake of the Twilight franchise is at least we got this enjoyable throwback to Jean Rollin's vampire erotica films from the seventies. We're lucky we got Anna Mouglalis in this instead of Tilda Swinton as originally intended, too.

Hands of the Ripper (Peter Sasdy, 1971)

As a young child, Jack the Ripper's daughter witnesses him kill her mother. As a young woman, she carries on the murderous reign of her father. A psychiatrist tries to cure her with tragic consequences.

Spartan says: Often forgotten and ignored whenever the discussion of  late game Hammer films is brought up. Sasdy's effort is a criminally neglected entry from this era. Hands of the Ripper is a fine little psychological horror turned proto-slasher.

Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (Scott Glossermon, 2006)

The next great killer and psychopath has given a documentary film crew exclusive access to his life as he plans his reign of terror over the quiet town of Glen Echo.

 

Spartan says: If you're a fan of the slasher genre and aware of all its obvious tropes and cliches, then it's fun seeing how these are all addressed in this superb mockumentary. Fun fact: Robert Englund wanted me to donate towards a potential sequel when I met him. Blame me for the lack of a sequel as I didn't bother chipping in for its fundraiser campaign.

 

Spider Baby (Jack Hill, 1967)

A caretaker devotes himself to three demented siblings after their father's death.

 

Spartan says: Perhaps Lon Chaney Jr's best film from the twilight era of his career. Spider Baby is a demented horror comedy which features a thoroughly unhinged performance by exploitation cinema veteran Sid Haig. Of course, it's mostly memorable for Jill Banner's iconic performance.

Malignant (James Wan, 2021)

Madison is paralyzed by shocking visions of grisly murders, and her torment worsens as she discovers that these waking dreams are in fact terrifying realities.

 

Spartan says: Wan going the Evil Dead Trap (1988) route by channelling vintage giallo with body horror has really grown on me as time goes by. It's comic book nonsense, but highly enjoyable, regardless. The film boasts an incredible police station massacre; trumping the ones from The Terminator (1984) and Maniac Cop 2 (1990), in my opinion.

The Night of the Werewolf (Paul Naschy, 1981)

An evil witch brings back to life the infamous Elizabeth Bathory, who was executed several hundred years previously for murdering young woman and bathing in their blood.

 

Spartan says: Superior remake of one of Naschy's previous films. Although released in the same year as other lycanthropic classics The Night of the Werewolf harkens to the gothic era of vintage Hammer with eighties levels of sex and violence. Ergo, it's an absolute winner. 

Human Lanterns (Chung Sun, 1982)

A psychotic craftsman pits two rival Kung-Fu masters against each other while designing special lanterns from a disturbing source.

 

Spartan says: The celebrated Shaw Brothers studio was no stranger to blending martial arts with horror, but Human Lanterns is tonally the darkest of the ones I've seen so far. There's an obvious The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) influence exhibited in the film, which serves the horror audience as well as its primary martial arts core crowd.

The Dark Eyes of London (Walter Summers, 1930)

Insurance agent-physician collects on policies of men murdered by a disfigured resident of the home for the blind where he acts as doctor-on-call.

 

Spartan says: The first film to be rated "H", which meant "horrific for public exhibition". No surprise that Bela Lugosi is the evil villain in it. More a crime tale, but the scenes set inside a blind men's hostel, along with Wilfred Walter as Jake, the grotesque looking henchman, are genuinely horror in tone, making it worthwhile viewing.

The Loved Ones (Sean Byrne, 2009)

When Brent turns down his classmate Lola’s invitation to the prom, she concocts a wildly violent plan for revenge.

 

Spartan says: Part of the Australian horror wave that ruled in the noughties. Sadly, The Loved Ones is hardly mentioned in the same breath as its national brethren like Wolf Creek (2005) and Lake Mungo (2008). That's a shame as Robin McLeavy's Lola is one of the best villains of that era, and equally as psychotic as Mick Taylor.

Deadstream (Joseph Winter, Vanessa Winter, 2022)

A disgraced internet personality attempts to win back his followers by livestreaming one night alone in a haunted house. But when he accidentally pisses off a vengeful spirit, his big comeback event becomes a real-time fight for his life.

 

Spartan says: Said it before, and I'll say it again - Deadstream is the true spiritual successor to the Evil Dead franchise. This is how you update a beloved property (even unofficially) without sacrificing anything in the process; offering the same comedic humour and grimy low budget charm.

Cheerleader Camp (Joe Quinn, 1988)

A group of cheerleaders become the targets of an unknown killer at a remote summer camp.

 

Spartan says: AKA Bloody Pom Poms! This late eighties slasher set in a summer camp for cheerleaders (WTF?) surprisingly qualifies as a giallo. The film boasts a bunch of centrefold models, the legendary George 'Buck' Flowers, and Lucinda Dickey from the Breakin' films as a club mascot. Gory kills and a copious amount of T&A earn the film the Dada Debaser seal of approval.

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane (Jonathan Levine, 2006)

A group of high-schoolers invite Mandy Lane, an innocent, desirable girl, to a weekend party on a secluded ranch. While the festivities rage on, the number of revelers begins to drop mysteriously.

 

Spartan says: One of the better teenage psychopath movies to have cropped up in the wake of Scream (1996). Possibly, Amber Heard's best part before she (literally) shit the bed.

Kolobos (Daniel Liatowitsch, David Todd Ocvirk, 1999)

Five young individuals live in an isolated lodge, filming their daily activities, but the house is locked down, and they encounter a murderous serial killer.

 

Spartan says: A couple of film students managed to instil their love of Italian horror into a MTV reality show, and it turned out to be a surprisingly fun effort. Count me in as one of the few people on the planet who haven't slagged it off; including by its co-directors.

The Fearless Vampire Killers (Roman Polanski, 1967)

A noted professor and his dim-witted apprentice fall prey to their inquiring vampires, while on the trail of the ominous damsel in distress.

 

Spartan says: Sure, it's a horror comedy, but why do all the Polanski film stans never recognise it amongst the rest of his filmography? A stunning ye olde world style of horror; very much capturing Hammer's gorgeously, gothic production costumes and sets.

Who Can Kill a Child? (Chicho Ibáñez Serrador, 1976)

A couple of English tourists arrive at the island of Almanzora, off the Spanish Mediterranean coast, where they discover that there are no adults in a small fishing village, only some children who stare at them and smile mysteriously.

 

Spartan says: The greatest entry in the killer kiddie subgenre and probably my favourite Spanish film, ever. It's criminal how this film is so overlooked as it's superior to other films of its ilk like Bloody Birthday (1981) and The Children of the Corn (1984).

Graveyard Shift (Ralph S. Singleton, 1990)

In a very old textile mill with a serious rat infestation, deadly accidents start happening, but the corrupt foreman continues to put his workers in danger, until they discover a horrifying secret deep in the basement.

 

Spartan says: The other Stephen King adaptation released in the same year as the acclaimed Misery (1990). Graveyard Shift was murdered by the critics, but it holds a special place for me as I found the giant rat bat mutant incredibly cool; and still do.

 

Wild Beasts (Franco Prosperi, 1984)

The water supply for a large city zoo becomes contaminated with PCP, and the animals go crazy and get loose.

 

Spartan says: Nature-gone-wild horror films tend to go very wild, but Prosperi's film is utterly insane. One scene involves a herd of elephants rampaging an airport runway; forcing a packed plane to crash on its descent. Being an Italian horror with animals in it, you predictably know this isn't going to be a PETA friendly film. Wild Beasts would wind up being euroshock queen Lorraine De Selle's last film, regrettably. Gutted.

 

Blogger is a nightmare to format lists that include pics and text. Therefore, I didn't want to push my luck doing all this in chronological order and accidentally deleting everything; it's happened in the past, sadly.