No Flesh Shall Be Spared

Hardware (Richard Stanley, 1990)

2000AD was a weekly comic I would read throughout most of the 1980s and early 1990s. It was a font of creative talent exemplifying the comic book renaissance at the time; some of that talent, would be poached by the Big Two (Marvel and D.C.) and eventually see their works adapted into film.

It's no big secret that Paul Verhoeven's sci-fi classic, Robocop (1987), took blatant inspiration from 2000AD's flagship lawman Judge Dredd during its pre-production.

Similarly, writer and director Richard Stanley tapped into the Dreddverse with his debut feature film Hardware (1990). Evidently, Fleetway Publications, the owner of 2000AD, thought Stanley's film was doing more than just taking inspiration and successfully won a copyright case against it. Despite Stanley denying he ever read, SHOK!, the seven page story which first appeared in the 1981 Judge Dredd annual. Thus, SHOK!'s creators, Steve MacManus and Kevin O'Neill, were credited subsequent prints of the film.

Hardware is set in a dystopian future ravaged by atomic warfare. Nomads scavenge for scrap in an irradiated wasteland. Ex marine, Hard Mo' Baxter (Dylan McDermott), acquires a robot skull from one particular nomad. He gifts it to his sculptor girlfriend Jill (Stacey Travis) upon his long return home as a Christmas present. (Yes, it's a Christmas movie!) However, both Mo' and Jill are unaware that the skull is part of a deadly M.A.R.K. 13 robot capable of resourcing power, reassembling itself and delivering a fatal toxin. Furthermore, it is later revealed that the M.A.R.K. 13 was programmed by the government to reduce the human population.

The mise-en-scène is central to Richard Stanley’s vision, with the plot serving as secondary.  Dystopian cyberpunk imagery is prevalent. Future tech, metallic junk and urban rubble are everywhere. Computer generated wire-mesh visuals rotate on crummy monitors. Steam is ejected from unknown vents. And colourful lights cast Bava-esque beauty on metallic surfaces. Hardware is an unapologetic film that's all about style over substance. 

This is a nightmarish future. A stark example of the grim state of the human race is a child tied to its deceased mother on a forgotten apartment level. Furthermore, nonchalant media announcements for enforced sterilisations commencing in the New Year are chilling.

The performances are mixed. Stacey Travis and Dylan McDermott are great as the leads, maintaining professional composure throughout Richard Stanley’s avant-garde direction. They do their best with the material that they have available. John Lynch’s character Shades, is both shallow and superfluous. This is largely due to the character’s flat profile rather than Lynch's performance. Additionally, his Ray Bans and aviator jacket would have been more suited on a background extra in Top Gun than here. The character's solo scene, in which he appears high in his apartment, adds nothing to the film and is a time waster.

Mark Nothover plays Alvy, a dwarf junkyard trader whose voice appears to have been dubbed by an American actor. Despite his limited screen time Alvy’s role is more integral to the film than Shades and genuinely serves a purpose. The merchant is the one who discovers how dangerous the M.A.R.K. 13 is; adding urgency to the mix.

William Hootkins, best known for his role as fat X-Wing pilot Jak Porkins in Star Wars, plays Jill’s stalker neighbour. He is memorable as an odious pervert and for his bizarre singing of They All Walk the Wibbly-Wobbly Walk . You’re just praying for him to die horribly.

Given Richard Stanley’s background as a music director (credited for directing Superfly Guy by S-Express and Blue Pearl’s Naked in the Rain), he features several musicians in his film. The aforementioned nomad is played by Carl McCoy of Fields of the Nephilim, while Lemmy of Motörhead is a water taxi driver, crossing a polluted river with Ace of Spades playing on his stereo. However, the most memorable cameo is Iggy Pop as the off-screen DJ Angry Bob, whose over-the-top performance is notably quote-worthy::

"This is Angry Bob, the man with the industrial dick. Coming at you loud and clear on W.A.R. Radio. Rise and shine, folks! It's a beautiful day! Just look at that sky; it's a work of art. Huh! Nature never knew colours like that. And a friendly reminder: when you look at it, be sure to wear your shades! The radiation count's way up in the heatwave and ain't expected to let up, either. Weather Control tell us it'll probably hit 110 down town, before nightfall. As for the good news: there is no fucking good news! So let's rock with one of our golden oldies" - Angry Bob

Elsewhere, Public Image Ltd’s The Order of Death is prominently featured in the film. Soundtrack composer Simon Boswell provides an original score, consisting of loud industrial  and brash synthesisers. It may be considered intrusive by some, but complements the film’s high tech and junkyard metal aesthetic.

The film’s premise, a woman confined to her apartment with a killer robot, may evoke moments from other science fiction films such as Saturn 3 (1980) and The Terminator (1984), but Richard Stanley seems to forgo all that for much of Hardware's run time and spend most of it on the cool cyberpunk world he's realised. Admirable as that might sound, it does come at the expense of a very long wait for some slasher style action. At least forty minutes have to pass by before the M.A.R.K. 13 begins its murderous rampage. 

An example of Stanley's avant-garde approach is the surreal sequence involving the deadly toxin running through the veins of one character. A hallucinatory M.A.R.K. 13 appears like a dance artist on Top of the Pops, followed with acid trip style spiral patterns. Dramatic opera music soundtracks the fatal psychedelic experience.

Hardware did not resonate with me, initially. Despite its connection to my teenage interests at the time, its unorthodox style was too ostentatious for my liking. However, the film has grown on me considerably since then; largely due to its technical merits being so accomplished on a shoe-string budget (less than £1M, believe it or not). It retains a remarkable cyberpunk aesthetic that is both stunning and more stylish than numerous bigger budgeted studio efforts. 

Although not an easy recommendation, it is definitely worth checking out for any sci-fi film enthusiast and fan of cult cinema. Better than Alphaville, that's for sure.

Merry Christmas!

One-Off Slashers

Randomly had the urge to compile a list of slasher films that never received a sequel or the remake treatment. Which is insane considering sequels are usually more achievable for horror films than most other film genres.

By no means a definitive list, but these are titles which scored favourably from me on Letterboxd at some point in time.

Rituals (Peter Carter, 1977)

Don't Go in the House (Joseph Ellison, 1979)

Tourist Trap (David Schmoeller, 1979)

New Year's Evil (Emmett Alston, 1980)

Nightmares (John D. Lamond, 1980)

The Burning (Tony Maylam, 1981)

Butcher, Baker, Nightmare Maker AKA Night Warning (William Asher, 1981)

Deadly Blessing (Wes Craven, 1981)

Eyes of a Stranger (Ken Weiderhorn, 1981)

Ghostkeeper (James Makichuk, 1981)

Graduation Day (Herb Freed, 1981)

Happy Birthday to Me (J. Lee Thompson, 1981)

Hell Night (Tom DeSimone, 1981)

Hospital Massacre (Boaz Davidson, 1981)

Just Before Dawn (Jeff Lieberman, 1981)

Madman (Joe Giannone, 1981)

Night School (Ken Hughes, 1981)

The Prowler AKA Rosemary's Killer (Joseph Zito, 1981)

Girls Nite Out AKA The Scaremaker (Robert Deubel, 1982)

Humongous (Paul Lynch, 1982)

The New York Ripper (Lucio Fulci, 1982)

Pieces (Juan Piquer Simón, 1982)

Pranks AKA The Dorm That Dripped Blood (Stephen Carpenter, Jeffrey Obrow, 1982)

Unhinged (Don Gronquist, 1982)

Curtains (Richard Ciupka, 1983)

The Funhouse (Tobe Hooper, 1983)

The Prey (Edwin Brown, 1983)

Sweet Sixteen (Jim Sotos, 1983)

Blood Tracks (Mats Helge, Mike Jackson, 1985)

Killer Party (William Fruet, 1986)

Slaughter High (Mark Ezra, Peter Litten, George Dugdale, 1986)

Doom Asylum (Richard Friedman, 1987)

Stage Fright (Michele Soavi, 1987)

Cheerleader Camp AKA Bloody Pom Poms (Joe Quinn, 1988) 

Intruder (Scott Spiegel, 1989)

Shocker (Wes Craven, 1989)

Popcorn (Mark Herrier, 1991)

Happy Hell Night (Brian Owens, 1992)

Skinner (Ivan Nagy, 1993)

Brainscan (John Flyn, 1994)

Kolobos (Daniel Liatowitsch, David Todd Ocvirk, 1999)

Shredder (Greg Huson, 2003)

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane (Jonathan Levine, 2006)

Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (Scott Glosserman, 2006)

F (Johannes Roberts, 2010)

Hush (Mike Flanagan, 2016)

Haunt (Scott Beck, Bryan Woods, 2018)

Candy Land (John Swab, 2022)

Totally Killer (Nahnatchka Khan, 2023)

Said it before and I'll say it again: 1981 was a golden year for horror and the slasher!

LAX

MaXXXine (Ti West, 2024)

In recent years, Mia Goth has turned into a Hollywood star. A status that her characters Maxine Miller/Minx and Pearl Douglas have craved. Together with director Ti West, the first two instalments of their film trilogy X (2022) and Pearl (2022) has netted them critical praise and fans in the franchise. Therefore, the third entry, MaXXXine (2024) was always going to be eagerly anticipated, especially when it's set in Hollywood during the mid-eighties.

MaXXXine never relents in its mission of showcasing the overly familar eighties aesthetic which has been pastiched for decades now. Cue an abundance of neon lights, video filtering and the retro sound of cold synths and sleazy saxophones. It's a remarkable achievement in MaXXXine; a nostalgic trip to a world defined by films from a given era rather than adhere historical authenticity. Both The House of the Devil (2009) and the previously mentioned X were testament to West's expertise in recreating past decades, thus, it's hardly a surprise MaXXXine's cinematic world is easily its strongest asset.

Ironically, West's devotion to visual aesthetics, film references and various homages have come at the expense of a focused plot, character developments and a worthy final act. Worst of all, the levels of suspense and terror, which were part and parcel in the very films which inspire MaXXXine, are largely absent. These egrious errors result in the weakest entry in the X trilogy.

As talented as Mia Goth is, Maxine has regressed to a two dimensional character. Aspiring to transition from a porn star to a Hollywood starlet is not only her ultimate goal, but her entire personality. Her ruthlessness is largely on the back burner and only appears in a few scenes; one of which involves an unfortunate Buster Keaton impersonator. For the most part, she's either being harassed and stalked by Kevin Bacon's slimy P.I, or taking career advice from Elizabeth Debicki’s snooty horror director. Meanwhile, Michelle Monaghan and Bobby Cannavale have little to work with as cops on the hunt for L.A's serial killer, the Night Stalker, other than light relief. Similarly, Giancarlo Esposito as Maxine's agent hardly offers little in the film with the exception of look amusing wearing a wig on his head. The rest of the cast are even less fortunate. Maxine's close circle merely exist for the bodycount. Throw in the obligatory Satanic Panic hysteria from the era, and you have loads of elements that come across as scatterbrained. They all lead to an unsatisfying conclusion, unfortunately. The big reveal was no different to the nonsensically, eye-rolling ones featured in the Scream sequels.

Still, fans of genre films, especially lovers of the slasher and the giallo, might get more mileage out of the film than normies. Notable setpieces include a beautifully filmed Argento style kill à la Tenebrae (1982) inside a seedy video store. Tyler Bates supplies a fantastic score for it; which sounds like a mashup of vintage Goblin and Your Vice is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key's soundtracks. Fans of eighties Friedkin and De Palma won't go hungry, either. Biggest surprise of all is the severed head on a bed homage from the video nasty Nightmare in a Damaged Brain (1981). There are of course less obscure references like the parallels between Pearl and Norma Bates; made all the more obvious with the former peering out of the iconic house adjacent to the notorious Bates Motel. Maxxxine is loaded with many movie references and easter eggs for easily pleased cinephiles. All distractions from the film's aforementioned flaws.

To conclude, MaXXXine is an enjoyable, but significant step down from its predecessors; plenty to appease horror fans and eighties nostalgia heads, but lacking in offering anything truly meaningful. Which is a genuine shame, since Ti West and Mia Goth were a winning combination over the last couple of years.

Walk With Me

In a Violent Nature (Trailer)

Chris Nash, 2024

 

After all these years, why do film release dates still differ depending on country? So much for globalisation. The latest example is In a Violent Nature (2024) not hitting my corner of the world until another month after the U.S.A..

It's as clear as Crystal Lake that slasher fans want another Friday the 13th film, but the film rights seem to be up in the air. Until that mess is sorted out, Chris Nash's In a Violent Nature serves as an adequate alternative.

Other than the obvious Friday the 13th vibes, the other draw of the film is it following in the point of view of its Jason Voorhees styled killer. The downright creepy clip of him observing two potential victims across the otherside of a lake and walking toweard them is what really sold me on the film:

In a Violent Nature (Lake Scene)

Chris Nash, 2024

 

Everything But the Final Girl

Watched the coming-of-age drama The Holdovers (2023) the other week, and other than it having me pondering how much better it would have been if it wasn't such a veritable sausage party, was how its early seventies Christmas setting, along with its prep school location, would have been far better suited in a good ol’ fashioned slasher film. This had me hitting the shelves and watching some vintage slice and dice movies. They will always be more appealing than some obvious Oscar bait. The much maligned slasher genre is chicken soup for my soul and an antithesis to the overrated shite jocked by pretentious cinéaste crowds.

However, this resurrects an age old issue concerning certain characters from this genre: various players being vastly better than the film's protagonist. They deserved the mantle of final girl in their respective films. Here are a bunch of your host's fave characters, in no order of preference, who were robbed of life before their time:

Violet Moraine

Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning (1985)

Never forget the reason a bunch of troublesome teens in a halfway house became victims in the controversial Jason imposter sequel all stemmed from a chocolate bar. Vi, the new wave goth deserved to live way more than some-other-bloke-who-wasn't-Corey Feldman playing Tommy Jarvis. Her quintessential eighties goth made her a standout. Her robot dance was the best dance in the franchise after Jimmy "Jimbo" Mortimer's from the previous film.

Janice

Murder-Rock: Dancing Death (1984)

It's remarkable how Lucio Fulci, nicknamed the Godfather of Gore, managed to make a relatively bloodless giallo/slasher with Murder Rock. This sleazy film, inspired by Fame and Flash Dance, has one of the most flexible characters, Janice, who puts Jennifer Beals' exotic dance to shame with her lurid performance. Fulci obviously fancied her since she was given an off-screen death. How rare is that? She deserved to live after that dance.

Rachel Carruthers

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989)

The complete character assassination of Rachel by the film's hack writers is a bigger crime done to her than what Big Mike did. A smart, young and likeable woman in Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988), who earnt final girl status only to be turned into a brainless bimbo second time around. She merely served as cannon fodder in the first twenty minutes. A typical example as to why slasher survivors should never return in the sequel. Word to Roland Kincaid!

Patty & Hollis

My Bloody Valentine (1981)

The real lovebirds of Valentine Bluff were Patty and Hollis in the original canuck slasher, My Bloody Valentine. Sadly, we got a daytime soap operal level love triangle instead with T.J and Axel fighting over the most useless and unworthy final girl in slasher history - Sarah Mercer. Unfortunately, no one else realised this, thus our working-class love birds ended up like a canaries when they ventured below Hanniger mine for a Valentine's Day party. Romance is truly dead.

Taryn White

A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987)

Obvious hot take, but I would have picked Taryn over Kristen as final girl in the third Elm Street outing. Whether you disagree or not, it makes no difference 'cause Patricia Arquette didn't return in the fourth film, and the character merely became a stepping stone for Alice Johnson to be the final girl for the fourth and fifth films. How much better would it have been if Taryn got her chance to shine in those films? Both brave and heroic, the former drug addict deserved her chance to shine.

 

Kia Waterson

Freddy vs. Jason (2003)

Not many women would give a hulking, undead, homicidal maniac with a machete the kiss of life, but that's what Kia did to save Jason Voorhees from drowning in his nightmare slumber. What thanks does she get for this memorable gesture? A machete slap so hard she ends up flying across the screen and into a tree. What kind of a message are we sending to aspiring final girls everywhere when Kia dies after putting in so much work while Lori Campbell survives on fake looking boobs alone?

Tara Heyes

Terrifier (2016)

Throughout Terrifier our young heroine went through so much physically and emotionally, even a complete bastard would be rooting for her. Sadly, it wasn't to be as Art the Clown emptied an entire round of bullets into her head. The sequel might have engineered one of the most unique and interesting final girls in decades, but Tara's death is still a gut-wrencher for your host. Tara deserved to make it to the end credits instead of her sister.

Barbara 'Barb' Coard

Black Christmas (1974)

How could Barb be tragically killed off after displaying all that courage and camaraderie for her fellow Pi Kappa Sigma sisters? Beneath that sassy exterior was a vulnerable woman in a world of emotional hurt. She put her sisters first, and I can respect that! To be fair, not even the film's actual final girl, Jessica, made it as Billy was revealed to be in the house at the end of the film. A downbeat ending, but Barb's death scene still always hits the hardest for me.

Jessica Pierson

Sorority Row (2009)

Mean girls are often a secondary villain in the slasher genre, but every now and then some real ice queens come along who are even more endearing than the actual final girl of the film. Jessica is one of them; so down right bitchy, the O.G. film's meanie, Vicki, pales in comparison - a remarkable feat, to be honest. Her callous remarks are more cold-blooded than the killer. Not only that, but she even manages to outshine a shotgun-wielding Carrie Fisher playing the house mother in the film.

Patsy Boyle

Psycho III (1986)

Hitchcock's Psycho (1960) may have been the first Hollywood film to feature an on-screen toilet, but it wasn't until the third instalment where it had a kill on it. Common courtesy ought to dictate that any potential slasher victim should at least finish their business while on the khazi. At least Demon got off the crapper in Friday the 13th Part V after them damn enchiladas. Should Patsy have made it to final girl status? Nope, but she deseverd some dignity in taking a piss undisturbed, though.

Emma

My Little Eye (2002)

This early noughties gem packed a powerful punch, and still does whenever I think about it. This Big Brother inspired chiller had a similar premise to the Hostel films and The Den, in that our cast are thinking they're competing on a reality show, but are unknowingly in a snuff show. For the most part, this is a psychological thriller before it truly descends into real horror territory. Emma is set up as a traditional final girl in the film, but is cruelly never even given the chance to shine.

 

Tatum Riley

Scream (1996)

Equally perplexed how the latest films in the Scream franchise has resurrected Kirby Reed and only a few people are asking the important question: how? Onto alternative choice - Tatum Riley. The original BF but not forever, but you've seen enough slasher films to wonder if she might be another Ann Thomerson. In any case, Tatum was the humourous lass who makes me now wish she made it instead of Sidney Prescott thanks to all the sequels. Her death made me scared of garage doors ever since.

 

Eve Watanabe

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

It was bad enough that two thirds of the film was set on a cruise boat (in Crystal Lake?), but the biggest crimes were killing Eve and the utterly bland Rennie Wickman being the final girl. She may not have had crazy visions of a young Jason Voorhees, but real heads know Eve should have been the final girl for being the nicest character of the lot. Sadly, she had no chance against a teleporting J.V, and therefore, it was murder on the dancefloor. In hindsight, I suppose she got off lightly via strangulation.

Lorraine Day

X (2022)

Subversion in full effect. On paper, Lorraine personified all the characteristics and virtues of the quintessential final girl. Today, her death serves as a symbol that little goody shoes girls are part of the body count. Lorraine became a victim of modern slasher trends, where the modern final girl appears to have psychotic traits and/or links with the film's antagonist. We've actually reached the point where the heroine is a psychotic killer. Lorraine was born in the wrong era.

 

Carol Manning

Slaughter High (1986)

This faux-American slasher (filmed in Surrey, England) has some of your hosts fave kills in the genre. Our party of former high school bullies obviously face their comeuppances while at their high school reunion. But how are you going to kill off an absolute cult siren like Caroline Munro in a slasher film (even if she was a complicit to the killer's back story) when the utterly grim Maniac (1980) had the good grace to let her survive? For shame.

Melissa Paur

Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988)

The only real saving grace in what's essentially a Carrie vs. Jason film is the secondary antagonist, Melissa Paur. Such an unforgettable snob, she was practically a female Steff McKee. Way more fun on screen compared to our troubled telekinetic heroine, Tina Shepherd. The grisly deaths were famously butchered by the MPAA, but Melissa's bitchy antics made her an unforgettable favourite. Top 10 Friday the 13th character, in my opinion.

Ally Burgess

Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers (1988)

The cheerleading sloshpot and self appointed queen bee at Camp Rolling Hills was constantly at loggerheads with the psychopathic councillor, Angela Baker. Ally met her demise by being stabbed in the back by Angela and then shoved down a festering outhouse toilet. Perhaps one of the nastier deaths on the list here, as she was drowned in bodily waste and covered in leeches in the film. Another memorable secondary antagonist who exceeded in appeal over the film's final girl - Molly Nagle.

Helen Shivers

I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997)

Blondes tend to have the worst luck in slasher films; they're either the final girl's slutty friend, or the secondary antagonist. Too bad our Croaker Beauty Pageant Queen was glossed over as the survivor for girl-next-door brunette, Julie James, as she was another superior character. She put up a decent fight, but croaked while the band played on. Can't say I was ever a big fan of the IKWYDLS films, but Helen was definitely amongst the more memorable characters from the nineties slasher revival.

Jenna Montgomery

Friday the 13th (2009)

Not sure whether Jenna's death was a throwback to Annie Phillips being unexpectedly bumped off in the O.G film, since both were set-up as film protagonists. Jenna's death came as a legitimate surprise for me, as I didn't expect a switcheroo to occur after Whitney Miller was found in Jason’s lair. One of those rare times where I wrongly predicted Whitney being the penultimate victim. Fate's way of punishing Jenna for hooking up with a garbage human being like Trent Sutton.

Jamie Lloyd

Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995)

Whether you dig the producers cut, the death of Jamie Lloyd and the weird cult centred around The Curse of Thorn, wasn't my thing. Jamie's cycle of final girl to masked maniac was wholly ruined by killing off the successor to Haddonfield's boogeyman. Jamie being pregnant with Michael's offspring (he's her uncle!) made absolutely no sense. So bad, you can understand why Halloween H20 (1997) skipped the Jamie Lloyd era. Eventually it was rebooted too and created an even bigger mess.

 

Final Thoughts: 

Based on my observations, Heathers (1988) level mean girls from yesteryear are more charming and less eye-rolling than the current crop of impervious, modern day final girls. Call it some psychological jargon like post-feminist, Mary Sue fatigue in modern horror, but it's seriously bizarre how some of these memorable secondary antagonists listed above are less grating than today’s final girls, like the insufferable Riley McKendry in the Hellraiser (2022) reboot.

Some of today’s final girls, like Maxine in X (2022) and Sam from the recent Scream (2022 - 2023) films exhibit maniac qualities. These characters would have very likely been villains akin to Brenda Bates from Urban Legend (1998) if they were around in a previous era.

 

Not sure if the not final girls  I listed above were always seen in this vein, but they're certainly characters who have grown in popularity over the years.. Perhaps, the mean girls have ironically become the new template for current slasher heroines; where the trend is for them to behave like antagonists, while the more virtuous ladies, who never made it to final girl status, have fallen by the wayside and are now out of favour with current day audiences

Ironically, the quintessential maniac psycho did get the final girl in the end - they're just one and the same person today.

It's All Ancient Greek to Me

Kolobos (Daniel Liatowitsch & David Todd Ocvirk, 1999)

Being a Gen X'er, the most memorable highlights from 1999 were the following: a total solar eclipse; the first airing of The Sopranos series: the beginning of Eminem's world domination; being more gutted with Star Wars: The Phantom Menace than breaking up with my girlfriend; and the world on tenterhooks over the Millennium Bug. The meta-horror Kolobos was also released that same year, and became a Blockbuster Video staple apparently, gaining a minor cult following ever since. Late pass! I only discovered it this month.

Beginning with a bloody woman stumbling in front of a car in the pooring rain, muttering the word "Kolobos". She awakens in a hospital bed with her face completely bandaged. The majority of the film from this point onwards is told via a series of lengthy flashbacks.

The premise of Kolobos is five young strangers are paid to live in winter retreat (looking like a Poundshop Overlook Hotel) together for a social experiment film. While habiting there, they'll be filmed via cameras installed throughout the premises, à la Big Brother.  Taking its cue from the MTV reality series The Real World, we're presented with entertaining demo reel introductions from our collective. These individuals include: Tina, the extrovert fast food employee who urinates in impatient customers' drinks; Tom, a stand-up comic; Erica, a horror actress from  The Slaughterhouse Factor series of films; Gary, the sensitive, pseudo intellectual; and finally, Kira, the artistic introvert, possessing all the final girl descriptive qualities you would come to expect.

Since Kolobos is a horror film, you don't need to make an educated guess about what's going to occur..

Kira has absolutely no business leaving the safety of her care facility, or as Tina the Drink Spiker calls it "the whacky shack", (which happens to be run by the legendary scream queen and fitness goddess Linnea Quigley in an all too brief cameo) as she's prone to slashing herself and having psychotic visions of faceless people and a disfigured maniac. Have you guessed who the villain is yet?

Kolobos suffers from many significant flaws which would turn away many serious film heads. With the exception of Amy Weber, who plays Kira, the performances are quite poor. Kolobos's co-directors were fresh graduates out of film school and their inexperience is very apparent. The writing is very muddled and convoluted at times. Much of what occurs on screen exists for superficial reasons rather than offer any real coherent sense. From a bonus feature on the film's blu-ray, the film makers admitted to naming their film after the Ancient Greek word for mutilate Kolobos, because it sounded cool.The antagonist has way too much plot armour which logistically makes little sense. Even with a huge suspension of disbelief, the writing has a significantly detrimental affect for the finale. Also, LOL @ the R&B snippet following on from the Lidl brand Suspiria theme during the end credits.

What makes Kolobos blogworthy however, is how unique it ostensibly is for its era: one, it preceeds other early reality TV based horror films I recall by a few years, e.g My Little Eye (2002) and Halloween: Resurrection (2002); two, the house is booby trapped with laser trip wire, metal shutters, acid plumbing, and robotic machines throwing circular razor saws, predating the Saw (2004 - ∞) franchise; and three, it's heavily inspired by both classic giallo and Italian horror way before the renaissance for them became noticeable a decade later.

You don't need to wait very long for the obvious influences either as Kolobos's main theme by William Kidd sounds like a complete rip-off of Goblin's theme from Suspiria (1977). Other than the Argento lighting, my favourite of the homages is the eye gouge scene, which takes obvious inspiration from Lucio Fulci's notoriously graphic eye gouge scene from Zombie Flesh Eaters (1979).

None of the main cast and crew seemed to have had significant career after Kolobos, with the exception of Amy Weber. She briefly went on to become a WWE diva back in the day, and also tried her hand as an budding popstar, covering Girls Aloud's Something Kinda Ooh! and dueting with Sean Kingston. I was going to add, on another alternate Earth, where Kolobos was a major hit, Weber might have never bothered with the wrestling and the singing and been on the same career path as Neve Campbell, but even she kind of faded out, too.

Kolobos is way better than some of the absolute trashfests I adore, but it's also way too burdened by major flaws to enter any kind of serious objective discussion of hailing it a good film; even by many horror film enthusiasts. Having watched this film a couple of times this month, I do understand the reason for its mini cult-following. It's got a lot of heart and ingenuity for what's essentially a low budget slasher and I admire that about it. Kolobos comes across as a freak of nature, as it's an obscure and forgotten, gory forerunner to the types of horror films that would become so prominent in the noughties. Film critics dubbing it as Saw meets Big Brother are kind of spot on about it, however. It's also one of the few films I've watched lately that's lingered with me after its end credits and that's a surprising feat in itself considering the amount of films I watch on the regular.

Profondo Rosa

Maniac Driver (Kurando Mitsutake, 2020)

Whenenver a modern film cites itself as a "giallo" or "neo-giallo", more often than not, it's anything but one. These loose descriptive terms tend to apply to a colourful visual style which was prominent during the heyday of Italian thrillers. The structures and conventions of the giallo are often missing when throwback films started becoming the vogue from the late 2000s. Therefore, it's no surprise whenever cinephiles with a deep misconception of what the genre is spew mistaken precoceptions of what the genre consists of. Hence, it comes as no surprise when a film parody like The Editor (2014) mocks the giallo and reveals little comprehension of it, or awful click-bait lists by the BFI on great neo-gialli which comes across as rather ignorant.

Kurando Mitsutake's genre mash-up Maniac Driver (2020), which touts itself as a giallo, is a valiant stab at it, event though it's prominently inspired by both William Lustig's Maniac (1980) and Martin Scorsese's Taxi Driver (1976). Those films are anything but gialli. Originally intended as a pinku-eiga film, Mitsutake opted for Argento-esque eye candy to go with the allure of Japanese AV actresses getting they're kit off. The end result is a film which consists of lurid, softcore sex scenes and technicolour Italian splatter. Personally, this pushes the right buttons for film degenerate like myself. That's due to it capturing the salacious exploitation and mean spiritism which was evident in various gialli and slashers from yesteryear. Factors which at the very least, bring a certain degree of autheticity when compared to the revisionist and venomless, retro throwbacks we've experienced in the 21st century. The inspiration just doesn't stop there, you can spot the obvious references to Lucio Fulci's gut vomiting scene from City of the Living Dead (1980), along with obvious homages to Taxi Driver.

Perhaps the biggest fault the film suffers from are the undercooked sub-plots. I wouldn't have known about Iori Kagawa, the film's heroine, having a boyfriend betraying her to some weird cult until Mitsutake mentioned it on the film's audio commentary. Having said that, I did enjoy the character study of the film lead are a bunch misanthropic, philosophical ramblings narrated by Tomoki Kimura, the film's lead, which smacks of nietzschean style humdingers like this:

"We like to be tied down and stripped of our freedom. Maybe this is the reason why we gravitate toward populists and fascists. Then self-destruct. It’s our fate." - Maniac Driver

The biggest highlight from Maniac Driver is its soundtrack. Moody synths which harken back to Claudio Simonetti and John Carpenter's eighties compositions, are another atmospheric layer to its retro appeal. Adding further to the mix is some melodic Japanese metal courtesy of Aiming High, which compliments some of the more intense scenes featured in the film. Hardly a novelty considering that's exactly what we got with Argento's Phenomena (1985), but it's a feature which  feels far better suited today on a low budget film rather than appearing at odds in one of Argento's celebrated efforts during his prime. Wish I copped the limited edition of the film when it was intially available as it came with a bonus CD soundtrack.

There's also the ending which would be a huge spoiler if discussed in real detail, but I found it reminscent of what the great giallo script writer Ernesto Gastaldi might have come up with. Then again, the film's title is a mash-up of Maniac and Taxi Driver, and therefore the ending should make perfect sense. It might realistically be a pinku-eiga film, first and foremost, but it does deliver the goods in what you might expect from an old school, giallo style slasher. LOL at the killer's laugh sounding like a kazoo, though. A worthwhile effort for a film made with little money and shot in just four and half days. Two thumbs up from me.

Pulpit Pit Stop

Candy Land (John Swab, 2023)

Taking into account that we're in the period of the winter duldrums where the only movies on offer tend to be Oscar bait contenders and tax write-offs, it's a pleasant surprise to have a genuinely good film coming out during this traditionally sparse time.

John Swab's film, Candy Land is a successful blend of artsploitation and faux-grindhouse. Considering it was produced in 2021, rescued from festival limbo, and then finally made available this year, it's a welcome movie for this humble blogger. It's a blessing in disguise too, since its festive setting isn't another shameless alternative Christmas cash-in, but serves as a reflective period for its characters. Perhaps the least exploitative aspect of this film, in hindsight, since it's otherwise a winning example of capturing the mean-spirited and sleazy tone of genre cinema from a bygone era.

Set at a remote truck stop location, where a collective of sex workers eke out a miserable existance peddling their services, a dramatic curveball occurs when Remy (Olivia Luccardi), a young woman from a religious cult, is left abandoned at the truck stop. Lizard lot camaraderie takes poor Remy under its wing. From there we learn about this gang and witness the dangers of the profession that's as old as Methuselah.

What sets this simple film apart from most other grindhouse throwbacks is its no f@cks given over modern day sensibilites; which is altogether refreshing, in my opinion. It makes it a more sincere effort and an obvious stand-out from all the plethora of faux-exploitation films lacking authenticity and just apeing it aesthetically. Thus, Candy Land is a rare success in this department. Despite being conveniently set in the year 1996, the film has the raw punch of seventies genre cinema. It does not hold back. Some scenes are really brutal, while quiet moments are an obvious calm before the storm.

Of course, the film benefits greatly from its cast: Olivia Luccardi's lead performance is an obvious major highlight, but the supporting cast are also very effective; particularly Sam Quartin and Owen Campbell as part of Remy's adoptive family. William Baldwin is a strange casting choice as the thoroughly callous Sheriff Rex, but he's also good here. All in all, the performances are a core element providing this drama turned horror with a level of maturity that's sadly lacking in many of its peers.

Swab's direction is very competent and mature for a film with this subject matter. It's also beautifully shot at times, which is a surprise when you consider it's filmed in crummy motel rooms and public restrooms. There's also the additional factor that it makes the most of its refreshingly short run time by switching things up very early on and revealing the killer's identity. This might be detrimental to some, but the motives and actions of its killer are no less compelling to witness unfolding on screen. In summary, Candy Land is an enjoyable and brave throwback to a style of film that's been hard to replicate well in modern times and a fine one to get this year rolling.

It's a Wonderful Knife

Don't Open Till Christmas (Edmund Purdom, 1984)

There are winners and losers in all aspects of life and when it comes to eighties slashers, Don't Open Till Christmas (1984) is unquestionably the last kid to be picked for the team. However, there's a discrete charm of the non-bourgeoisie to this grubby and sleazy, Brit nasty, which is, believe it or not, even less refined than Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984), making it a traditional festive staple at the Dada Debaser humble abode. Objectively a terrible film, but one that always calls to me around this time of year.

Co-produced by the larger than life American film producer, Dick Randall; better known as the man responsible for the deluge of Bruce Lee rip-off films in the wake of the martial arts star's death, and a string of seventies sexploitation films, Randall was no stranger to dipping his toes into popular film trends. The slasher was the next big thing after the success of  John Carpenter's Halloween (1978) and Randall would contribute to this subgenre with three personal favourites of mine: the giallo-esque campus based slasher, Pieces (1982); the British yule log, Don't Open Till Christmas (1984); and the second best fake-American slasher, Slaughter High (1986) after Michele Soavi's classic Stagefright (1987) of course. Don't Open Till Christmas would pose as an intersection of sorts as some cast members from Randall's other two slashers would also wind up here.

Directed by and starring Brit thespian, Edmund Purdom, Don't Open Till Christmas was destined for failure once he strayed away from the original screenplay and shot scenes which were superfluous to the film, e.g. a bizarre romantic subplot involving Purdom's older Inspector Harris and the film's younger "leading lady", Kate (Belinda Mayne). Conflicting sources claim Purdom had either quit or was fired from his directorial debut. The film's writer Derek Ford took over the director's chair, but didn't have much time to get too comfortable as he was fired after just two days. Languishing in limbo, the film ushered Ray Selfe and Alan Birkinshaw as the new director and writer team to sort the film out once and for all. Considering Birkinshaw gave the world Killer's Moon (1978), a scuzzy film where a bunch of psychopaths high on LSD, who rape and kill a bunch of stranded school girls whilst ripping off Stanley Kubrick's A Clockwork Orange (1971) in the process, it's fair to say Don't Open Till Christmas went from out of the frying pan and into the fire. With the numerous faults which plagued the film the writing is unquestionably one of its biggest problems. If Birkinshaw's additional material was meant to correct previous issues, then I dread to think what kind of foul state the original iteration of the film was like. There are characters introduced who are either completely forgotten or crudely written out by the it limps its way to the end titles. New characters were introduced by Birkinshaw, one of which was a replacement final girl, this time a sex worker played by Kelly Baker from Slaughter High (1986),  who turned up around the halfway mark, making the film feel all the more hotchpotch.

Purdom wasn't the only recognisable actor to appear in this film, Kevin Lloyd, better known as D.C. "Tosh" Lines from the cop show The Bill (1984-2010) appears in it in a supporting role as Gerry, a sleazy and tactless photographer. Queen of Fantasy, Caroline Munro makes a brief appearance playing herself, performing a song number while literally being upstaged by the latest victim. Birkinshaw introduced the character of Giles, a creepy journalist played by Alan Lake; an actor who was married to the British cult icon, Diana Dors, along with appearing in several sexploitation films from the seventies. Still mourning over the loss of  his wife, he tragically took his own life with a shotgun on the day of Diana Dors' birthday.

With all that doom and gloom out of the way, it's worth addressing there are some notable postives about Don't Open Till Christmas; the fact that the killer creatively offs drunk and pervy men dressed as Father Christmas (not everytime, though) is both hilarious and kind of refreshing from all the usual teen slaughter synonymous with the slasher subgenre. One poor fella ends up being castrated while taking a leak in a public toilet; another reason in avoiding them. Also, what I personally find appealing about the film is how much of a time capsule it is as it perfectly encapsulates early eighties London and out-dated social attitudes. One scene that never fails to have me laughing is where a glamour model in a Santa robe is locked outside a photo studio with the boyfriend of the film's orginal final girl. While she makes advances on him, he spots two patrolling police officers and utters, "uh oh, here they come. They'll think we're a couple of gays". Product of its time, of course, but a hilarious line, regardless. All these factors help the film exude a cheap and tatty dinginess, making the film feel bizarrely endearing.

Always found the popularity of Christmas-themed horror films strangely puzzling; with the exception of the more apt Halloween festivities, I would have thought an occasion like St. Valentine's Day and the whole psycho-lover theme would have spawned way more slasher entries than Christmas. Still, it has birthed yuletide crackers like ...And All Through the House featured in the Tales from the Crypt (1972) and of course, Black Christmas (1974). Don't Open Till Christmas is an obvious turkey in comparison to them, but an endearing one.

Recently upgraded my old Mondo Macabro DVD of the film with Vinegar Syndrome's superb blu-ray. They're the boutique label equivalent of Paxo since the film is stuffed with a glorious HD remaster, a night's worth of bonus features, and one of those rare times where even I was awestruck by its beautiful packaging. How bonkers is it that a crudely made, semi-obscure, sleazy slasher from yesteryear receives more loving attention by an independent distributor than many of today's pop cultural films?