Watched the coming-of-age drama The Holdovers (2023) the other week, and other than it having me pondering how much better it would have been if it wasn't such a veritable sausage party, was how its early seventies Christmas setting, along with its prep school location, would have been far better suited in a good ol’ fashioned slasher film. This had me hitting the shelves and watching some vintage slice and dice movies. They will always be more appealing than some obvious Oscar bait. The much maligned slasher genre is chicken soup for my soul and an antithesis to the overrated shite jocked by pretentious cinĂ©aste crowds.
However, this resurrects an age old issue concerning certain characters from this genre: various players being vastly better than the film's protagonist. They deserved the mantle of final girl in their respective films. Here are a bunch of your host's fave characters, in no order of preference, who were robbed of life before their time:
Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning (1985)
Never forget the reason a bunch of troublesome teens in a halfway house became victims in the controversial Jason imposter sequel all stemmed from a chocolate bar. Vi, the new wave goth deserved to live way more than some-other-bloke-who-wasn't-Corey Feldman playing Tommy Jarvis. Her quintessential eighties goth made her a standout. Her robot dance was the best dance in the franchise after Jimmy "Jimbo" Mortimer's from the previous film.
Murder-Rock: Dancing Death (1984)
It's remarkable how Lucio Fulci, nicknamed the Godfather of Gore, managed to make a relatively bloodless giallo/slasher with Murder Rock. This sleazy film, inspired by Fame and Flash Dance, has one of the most flexible characters, Janice, who puts Jennifer Beals' exotic dance to shame with her lurid performance. Fulci obviously fancied her since she was given an off-screen death. How rare is that? She deserved to live after that dance.
Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989)
The complete character assassination of Rachel by the film's hack writers is a bigger crime done to her than what Big Mike did. A smart, young and likeable woman in Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988), who earnt final girl status only to be turned into a brainless bimbo second time around. She merely served as cannon fodder in the first twenty minutes. A typical example as to why slasher survivors should never return in the sequel. Word to Roland Kincaid!
My Bloody Valentine (1981)
The real lovebirds of Valentine Bluff were Patty and Hollis in the original canuck slasher, My Bloody Valentine. Sadly, we got a daytime soap operal level love triangle instead with T.J and Axel fighting over the most useless and unworthy final girl in slasher history - Sarah Mercer. Unfortunately, no one else realised this, thus our working-class love birds ended up like a canaries when they ventured below Hanniger mine for a Valentine's Day party. Romance is truly dead.
A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987)
Obvious hot take, but I would have picked Taryn over Kristen as final girl in the third Elm Street outing. Whether you disagree or not, it makes no difference 'cause Patricia Arquette didn't return in the fourth film, and the character merely became a stepping stone for Alice Johnson to be the final girl for the fourth and fifth films. How much better would it have been if Taryn got her chance to shine in those films? Both brave and heroic, the former drug addict deserved her chance to shine.
Freddy vs. Jason (2003)
Not many women would give a hulking, undead, homicidal maniac with a machete the kiss of life, but that's what Kia did to save Jason Voorhees from drowning in his nightmare slumber. What thanks does she get for this memorable gesture? A machete slap so hard she ends up flying across the screen and into a tree. What kind of a message are we sending to aspiring final girls everywhere when Kia dies after putting in so much work while Lori Campbell survives on fake looking boobs alone?
Terrifier (2016)
Throughout Terrifier our young heroine went through so much physically and emotionally, even a complete bastard would be rooting for her. Sadly, it wasn't to be as Art the Clown emptied an entire round of bullets into her head. The sequel might have engineered one of the most unique and interesting final girls in decades, but Tara's death is still a gut-wrencher for your host. Tara deserved to make it to the end credits instead of her sister.
Black Christmas (1974)
How could Barb be tragically killed off after displaying all that courage and camaraderie for her fellow Pi Kappa Sigma sisters? Beneath that sassy exterior was a vulnerable woman in a world of emotional hurt. She put her sisters first, and I can respect that! To be fair, not even the film's actual final girl, Jessica, made it as Billy was revealed to be in the house at the end of the film. A downbeat ending, but Barb's death scene still always hits the hardest for me.
Sorority Row (2009)
Mean girls are often a secondary villain in the slasher genre, but every now and then some real ice queens come along who are even more endearing than the actual final girl of the film. Jessica is one of them; so down right bitchy, the O.G. film's meanie, Vicki, pales in comparison - a remarkable feat, to be honest. Her callous remarks are more cold-blooded than the killer. Not only that, but she even manages to outshine a shotgun-wielding Carrie Fisher playing the house mother in the film.
Psycho III (1986)
Hitchcock's Psycho (1960) may have been the first Hollywood film to feature an on-screen toilet, but it wasn't until the third instalment where it had a kill on it. Common courtesy ought to dictate that any potential slasher victim should at least finish their business while on the khazi. At least Demon got off the crapper in Friday the 13th Part V after them damn enchiladas. Should Patsy have made it to final girl status? Nope, but she deseverd some dignity in taking a piss undisturbed, though.
My Little Eye (2002)
This early noughties gem packed a powerful punch, and still does whenever I think about it. This Big Brother inspired chiller had a similar premise to the Hostel films and The Den, in that our cast are thinking they're competing on a reality show, but are unknowingly in a snuff show. For the most part, this is a psychological thriller before it truly descends into real horror territory. Emma is set up as a traditional final girl in the film, but is cruelly never even given the chance to shine.
Scream (1996)
Equally perplexed how the latest films in the Scream franchise has resurrected Kirby Reed and only a few people are asking the important question: how? Onto alternative choice - Tatum Riley. The original BF but not forever, but you've seen enough slasher films to wonder if she might be another Ann Thomerson. In any case, Tatum was the humourous lass who makes me now wish she made it instead of Sidney Prescott thanks to all the sequels. Her death made me scared of garage doors ever since.
Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)
It was bad enough that two thirds of the film was set on a cruise boat (in Crystal Lake?), but the biggest crimes were killing Eve and the utterly bland Rennie Wickman being the final girl. She may not have had crazy visions of a young Jason Voorhees, but real heads know Eve should have been the final girl for being the nicest character of the lot. Sadly, she had no chance against a teleporting J.V, and therefore, it was murder on the dancefloor. In hindsight, I suppose she got off lightly via strangulation.
X (2022)
Subversion in full effect. On paper, Lorraine personified all the characteristics and virtues of the quintessential final girl. Today, her death serves as a symbol that little goody shoes girls are part of the body count. Lorraine became a victim of modern slasher trends, where the modern final girl appears to have psychotic traits and/or links with the film's antagonist. We've actually reached the point where the heroine is a psychotic killer. Lorraine was born in the wrong era.
Slaughter High (1986)
This faux-American slasher (filmed in Surrey, England) has some of your hosts fave kills in the genre. Our party of former high school bullies obviously face their comeuppances while at their high school reunion. But how are you going to kill off an absolute cult siren like Caroline Munro in a slasher film (even if she was a complicit to the killer's back story) when the utterly grim Maniac (1980) had the good grace to let her survive? For shame.
Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988)
The only real saving grace in what's essentially a Carrie vs. Jason film is the secondary antagonist, Melissa Paur. Such an unforgettable snob, she was practically a female Steff McKee. Way more fun on screen compared to our troubled telekinetic heroine, Tina Shepherd. The grisly deaths were famously butchered by the MPAA, but Melissa's bitchy antics made her an unforgettable favourite. Top 10 Friday the 13th character, in my opinion.
Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers (1988)
The cheerleading sloshpot and self appointed queen bee at Camp Rolling Hills was constantly at loggerheads with the psychopathic councillor, Angela Baker. Ally met her demise by being stabbed in the back by Angela and then shoved down a festering outhouse toilet. Perhaps one of the nastier deaths on the list here, as she was drowned in bodily waste and covered in leeches in the film. Another memorable secondary antagonist who exceeded in appeal over the film's final girl - Molly Nagle.
I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997)
Blondes tend to have the worst luck in slasher films; they're either the final girl's slutty friend, or the secondary antagonist. Too bad our Croaker Beauty Pageant Queen was glossed over as the survivor for girl-next-door brunette, Julie James, as she was another superior character. She put up a decent fight, but croaked while the band played on. Can't say I was ever a big fan of the IKWYDLS films, but Helen was definitely amongst the more memorable characters from the nineties slasher revival.
Friday the 13th (2009)
Not sure whether Jenna's death was a throwback to Annie Phillips being unexpectedly bumped off in the O.G film, since both were set-up as film protagonists. Jenna's death came as a legitimate surprise for me, as I didn't expect a switcheroo to occur after Whitney Miller was found in Jason’s lair. One of those rare times where I wrongly predicted Whitney being the penultimate victim. Fate's way of punishing Jenna for hooking up with a garbage human being like Trent Sutton.
Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995)
Whether you dig the producers cut, the death of Jamie Lloyd and the weird cult centred around The Curse of Thorn, wasn't my thing. Jamie's cycle of final girl to masked maniac was wholly ruined by killing off the successor to Haddonfield's boogeyman. Jamie being pregnant with Michael's offspring (he's her uncle!) made absolutely no sense. So bad, you can understand why Halloween H20 (1997) skipped the Jamie Lloyd era. Eventually it was rebooted too and created an even bigger mess.Final Thoughts:
Based on my observations, Heathers (1988) level mean girls from yesteryear are more charming and less eye-rolling than the current crop of impervious, modern day final girls. Call it some psychological jargon like post-feminist, Mary Sue fatigue in modern horror, but it's seriously bizarre how some of these memorable secondary antagonists listed above are less grating than today’s final girls, like the insufferable Riley McKendry in the Hellraiser (2022) reboot.
Some of today’s final girls, like Maxine in X (2022) and Sam from the recent Scream (2022 - 2023) films exhibit maniac qualities. These characters would have very likely been villains akin to Brenda Bates from Urban Legend (1998) if they were around in a previous era.
Not sure if the not final girls I listed above were always seen in this vein, but they're certainly characters who have grown in popularity over the years.. Perhaps, the mean girls have ironically become the new template for current slasher heroines; where the trend is for them to behave like antagonists, while the more virtuous ladies, who never made it to final girl status, have fallen by the wayside and are now out of favour with current day audiences
Ironically, the quintessential maniac psycho did get the final girl in the end - they're just one and the same person today.
Some killer choices here, especially Taryn and Ally. The Shit Sisters forming like Voltron to take on Angela could have been amazing.
ReplyDeleteYou would have thought The Shit Sisters would have been the ones stuffed down a grimy outhouse toilet.
ReplyDeleteTaryn White will always be a fan favourite.
I watched Tales That Witness Madness on Legend last night. You fuxwit that? Kinda bizarre seeing Donald Pleasence and Kim Novak in a Freddie Francis anthology. Shout outs to Joan C, but Mary "Romana from Doctor Who" Tamm is the hottest lass in the flick.
ReplyDeleteAlways used to think Tales That Witness Madness was part of the Amicus anthologies. It's weaker than them, imo. Eclectic cast, though.
ReplyDeletePeak era Joan Collins. ❤️
Didn't realise it until watching Turkey Shoot last year that one of the hunters was the polynesian sacrificial priest in Tales That Witness Madness.
No way.
ReplyDeleteJoan's part was definitely my fave of the stories.
Mine too. A mate of mine often talks about that short whenever we talk about British horror films.
ReplyDeleteI watched Snoop Dogg's Hood of Horrors a couple of months back, and the stories were basically crap rehashes from British horror anthologies.
Crossed Out - redo of Drawn and Quatered from Vault of Horror.
The Scumlord - basically Blind Alleys from Tales from the Crypt.
Rapsody Askew - possibly Voodoo from Dr. Terror's House of Horrors.
Obviously, they all originated from the old American E.C comics, but still bizarre seeing these old horror tales I grew up on given a Tales from the Hood lick of paint.
Snoop's career is truly insane. Never would have imagined the baby gangster we first heard on Deep Cover would go on to become THE renaissance man of the past 30 years.
ReplyDeleteYou’re the music connoisseur so I’ll take your word for it, but Snoop’s Hood of Horror is nowhere near the level of Vault of Horror. đŸ˜¬
ReplyDelete