Hi Yo, Driver!

In an era where we seem to question the legitimacy of virtually anything and everything, I find myself asking who watches women's football? How is Ed Sheeran, the most annoying ginger little bastard since Chucky, such a global phenomenon? More importantly, who are these completely deranged idiots thirsting over Adam Driver? Don't get me wrong, the 4/1 favourite at Cheltenham has real acting talent, both Silence (2016) and Marriage Story (2019) are two notable examples that prove this. However, much like Lucifer Valentine's entire catalogue, I'll never willingly watch any of those films ever again. This gangly looking humanoid with equine features, is not by any realistic definition a specimen in the adonis category. The horse comparison goes even further when you consider he starred in Burberry's advertisement last year for their Hero fragrance by comically swimming in the sea with a horse and manifesting into a centaur.

Fortune had smiled upon me as I had never watched the television series Girls, therefore I was spared witnessing Driver's sexcapades with Lena Dunham, despite reading about it on the net. My luck ran out however when I watched Lidl brand Steven Spielberg, J.J. Abrams' horrific Star Wars remake, which masqueraded as the sequel to Return of the Jedi (1983). Whilst folks went all fandom menace over Disney's misguided sequel trilogy, I had already checked out in taking any of the shit remotely seriously once I realised Driver was cast as the emo sprog of Han Solo and Leia Organa. All laws of genetics were effectively broken by having what was essentially the De Loy's Ape as the homunculus progeny sprung via the loins of the greatest couple in cinematic history.

"Princess Leia is not my lover
She's just a girl who claims that I am the one
But the kid is not my son
She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son"

Could not even make it through Leos Carax's latest film Annette (2021). Musicals are not my thing (The Wizard of Oz (1939) and The Wicker Man (1973) being the only exceptions), adding insult to injury, imagine my complete disdain that the songs were written by the incredibly overrated band Sparks, arguably the creepiest duo in pop music. There's also the disturbing sight of Driver having naked contortionist sex more than once with Marion Cotillard (a beastly perverse scene which would only be belligerently acceptable in a potential Catherine the Great biopic). Watched about an hour’s worth of the film before I realised there was another ninety minutes of this painful shite left and thus abandoned ship. One of the rarest of times I've ever jettisoned from a movie before the end titles.

Say what you want about Ridley Scott's recent resume, but I'll give him credit for achieving the impossible: casting Adam Driver in not one, but two of his movies and not making me feel like I needed to have a bucket at hand to retch my guts out like that poor girl from City of the Living Dead (1980). What would have otherwise been a couple of films that I would have steered away from, became must-see sideshow carnivals for yours truly. Scott's period epic The Last Duel (2021) was a rewarding experience since it happened to be a medieval take on The Accused (1988), told via three conflicting points of view. Although, not calling it Ivan-Hoe was very much a missed opportunity, in my honest opinion. Perhaps it was because I was smitten by Jodie Comer, the fittest scouse lass since Abbey Clancy, or it could have been because a mullet rockin' Matt Damon hilariously resembled the shifty bloke who offered to clean my gutters not too long ago; either way, these were all very positive distractions for me. Without spoiling it, the actual duel itself was a satisfying watch, since it fulfilled a personal film fantasy I've harboured since laying eyes upon Adam Dobbin and hence The Last Duel made it onto my Best Films Of 2021 list. Scott's furore with millennials served as an unexpected but welcome bonus, as I found his comments completely valid. I personally believe the hiveminded, blue-checkmarked critics were so offended by his outburst that they picked The Green Knight (2021) in their echo chamber Best Films lists over Scott’s film just to spite him. Sadly, I wasn't as won over by his next film, House of Gucci (2021) as it meandered way too much for my liking. The film's main appeal was its cast being made up to look as obscenely grotesque as possible. You've all seen the pics and clips of Jared Leto by now, but in Adam Driver's case, donning a pair of glasses was all that was deemed necessary by the make-up department. Perfecto! Sure that helped keep the film’s accountants happy, but shelling out an extra bob or two on a better screenplay would have done wonders in creating any legitimate investment for its real crime plotline.

Much like Werner Herzog gave a lotta love for Nic Cage which culminated with an incredible performance in Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans (2009), I feel Ridley Scott achieved something just as invaluable with Adam Driver; in him not make me feel so nauseous like in his other movies. Maybe the pair can continue on as a fine director + actor combo like Scorsese & DeNiro, who knows? That's a good way to end this ramble on a positive note.

EDIT - Who would have predicted there's a huge issue over The Lone Ranger's trademark catchphrase, whether it was  "Hi Yo, Silver!" or "Hi Ho, Silver!"? Maybe I should have stuck with my rough draft "Neigh Sayer" title pun.